Monday, March 29, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
”Oh please come in for a moment. Would you like some tea,” she asked walking towards the back of the house. For some reason I decided to follow. There were pictures on the wall of her and a man. I figured the man was her husband. Handsome guy. He looked familiar.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Friday, March 5, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
I awakened again to see my mother in the corner praying. My mother has always been a religious woman. She wasn’t insane with it but she completely had faith in her God. I wasn’t so convinced most times. Right now I knew I needed prayer. I could hear the doctors talking to my father and Jessica. I couldn’t make out what they were saying. I didn’t want to know. I knew what had happened to me. I felt the injuries. They must have given me something for pain because the pain was dull but still there reaching out.
My mother saw me looking at her and came to my side.
My mother was shorter than me by a few inches with green beautiful eyes, fair skin, and naturally long curly hair. Her eyes always revealed her emotions. She looked at me, taking my hand and kissing them. She didn’t say anything. For the first time, she didn’t say anything. Tears came to her eyes and I looked away. Not now. Please don’t cry. I can’t cry anymore. Anger started to rise in me and I spoke so loud everyone turned around to look at me, even the nurses in the hallway.
“Where is he,” I yelled. “Where is he?”
I tried to sit up as my mother tried to calm me. Jessica ran over to my left side and grabbed my free hand.
“Toni honey. Please calm down. Lay down please. Please lay down,” she said softly pleading with me. I felt her hand on my hair and I flinched. I wanted to cut my hair off. He had used my hair to restrain me. I hated it.
She pulled her hand away and took my face in her small hands. She looked me in my eyes and told me she loved me. She told me that he had been arrested and was being held until the mornings bail hearing. He wasn’t going anywhere. Charges were already piling up against him including sodomy, rape, attempted murder, assault on an officer, and the list went on.
I started to breathe slower, easier. I laid back down. My mother stepped towards me but hesitated. I touched her arm and she came closer, hugging me. My father joined her, hugging me gently. Jessica stepped back to compose herself. I saw her wipe a tear from her eye. She was trying to be strong between all this chaos.
Then I saw her. The paramedic that helped me.
“Sean,” I managed to yell. I heard her footsteps stop and then start again.
She was standing in the doorway. My parents stepped back for her to approach me.
She was a tad shorter than me, about five foot five. She was slim but you could tell she worked out. Her thick black hair was pulled tightly back in a ponytail. Her eyes were soft but I could tell she had seen a lot. Her skin was smooth and clear. She took care of herself. I appreciated that in a person especially a woman.
She wasn’t just a person or a woman. She had seen me in a state of mind that was foreign even to me. She watched me cry and grieve over my sexuality being defamed by a bastard that couldn’t accept that I did not want an intimate relationship with him. She had seen me screen, yell, and withdraw into a cocoon in less than an hour’s time. I could only imagine what a normal day was to her. I hoped this was not normal for her because it was anything but normal for me. This was a nightmare.
I saw her bow her head down respectfully as she passed my parents and Jessica. She came to the side of my bed stopping a few feet back. Boundaries.
“How are you feeling? Pain lessen any,” she asked warmly.
“Yes thank you. I just wanted to thank you for getting me out of there before I killed that man.”
She smiled. “You are tough. I thought I was going to need help restraining you.”
I heard my dad laugh lightly and my mothers jaw dropped.
“What happened,” she started to ask but my father quieted her.
Jessica walked up then and thanked her as well, taking my hand.
“Your welcome. I know that what happened to you was horrible. I see you have a good support group and that is important.”
She reached in her shirt pocket and handed me a card.
“This is the officer who made the arrest. He is also my younger brother. He will make sure everything is done the right away. I’ll make sure of it.”
I smiled. For some reason, I trusted that she would.
She left, excusing herself politely. Before she entered the hallway, she looked back and smiled. I smiled back.
The next few days were a blur of police, lawyers, doctors, and concerned visitors. My body was still sore and aching all over but I was ready to go home. I vaguely remember Vaughn visiting. I had been in and out of sleep since they moved me into a private room. My Director had arranged for me to get a suite so I would be in a private but secure wing of the hospital. I was grateful. My tolerance level was nil. Jessica told me he showed up not too long after Sean left. My father wouldn’t allow him to stay long plus I was asleep and had no idea they were even there.
Jessica said he came back the next day around lunchtime but I couldn’t remember that either. She said he was sick with all this and was blaming himself. He hadn’t been back yet. She had promised to call him when I awakened and was alert enough to have a guest.
My parents had been there everyday in shifts. My dad had been weaker than normal and my mother was concerned about him. She had been taking care of him for so long.
“Before I forget Toni, I talked to your sister and told her what happened. She asked if their was anything she could do and I told her we would call her soon.”
I hadn’t talked to my sister in almost two years. The last fight had been it for me. Her jealous acting ways had made me dislike her. I was okay with my mother telling her what happened to me but I wasn’t ready to talk to her about it either.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
I slowly went around the corner to look for Quentin and he wasn’t on the stool anymore. I looked in the bathroom. He wasn’t there either. Then I saw a shadow in my bedroom. What was he doing now?
I went in my bedroom and he was looking out the window. He was looking around. What was he looking for?
I grabbed my keys off the dresser.
“I can take you home now,” I said turning to walk to the door. I heard him rush up behind me, spinning me around. He tried to kiss me and I slapped him.
“What the heck are you doing,” I yelled putting my hand in front of me to push him away.
“Give me a kiss. That’s the least you could do for head butting me,” he smirked.
“I didn’t mean to do that and no, I am not kissing you.”
I tried to turn and he put his arm around my waste.
“Where are you going,” he asked pulling me close to him with some force.
I yelled at him. “What are you doing?”
“I’ve been wanting you for almost a year and you keep pushing me away. Am I not good enough for you or something?”
No he wasn’t but I didn’t tell him that.
“I never said that. We both agreed to be friends, remember?”
“No, you said you wanted me to be friends only not me.”
That was true.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know you wanted more.”
“How could you not know? I made sure I visited you every time I was in town.”
Which wasn’t often. I never thought anything of it. A friend visiting a friend, right? Wrong!
“Please, it’s late. Let me to take you to wherever you’re staying.”
“We aren’t going anywhere,” he said pushing me into the wall.
I tried to free my arm from his grasp but he was squeezing it tighter than before.
“Quentin please don’t do this. This isn’t necessary. Let’s go out on a date and see what happens okay?”
Yea right but I was saying anything to get him out of my house. I looked for my phone. I never kept the damn cordless on the charger. Ugh! I surveyed the room trying not to be so obvious. He looked behind him to see what I was looking at.
“What are you looking for? This?”
He took the phone out of his back pocket.
I looked at him.
“I didn’t want us to be disturbed.”
“Do you want something to drink,” I asked trying to distract him. Make him let me go enough for me to run for the door.
“No, I’m fine.”
He tried kissing me again.
“Look, Quentin. No. I don’t want this.”
Training said to be direct and to the point. Say no repeatedly. Look your attacker in the eyes.
He threw me down on the bed and stood over me holding me down with both hands. He tried kissing my neck and I screamed.
He put his hand over my mouth.
“Shut up,” he sneered. “You know you like it rough.”
“No, I don’t!”
“Oh yes you do. I saw you with your boyfriend last week. He pushed you against the wall and fucked you against the wall.”
I felt faint. He had been watching me! Us!
I wanted to vomit.
“You remember that?”
“Yes,” I said looking for my phone, scissors, anything.
“We were playing,” I said. Keep him talking.
“No you weren’t. You liked it.”
He tore my shirt open and tried to kiss my neck again.
“Stop it! Stop it now,” I screamed. I tried kicking him but he parted my legs so quickly with his, I gasped from the pain.
“You’re hurting me,” I yelled trying to struggle from under his weight.
“Stop fighting me,” he said laughing at me.
“Let me go! Please let me go…”
I didn’t want to cry. I couldn’t show him I was terrified. That might be turning him on. I didn’t want to turn him on anymore than he already was. I felt him hard against my leg. I felt like vomiting again but I knew I had to be strong. I couldn’t show him my fear.
I managed to free my leg and kick him as hard as I could. He bent over in pain long enough for me to get from up under him. I ran into the hallway and he caught me by the leg. I fell hitting my head on the floor. Dazed I tried to crawl forward but he grabbed my ankle and pulled me back.
“Where do you think your going,” he asked angrily. I had pissed him off.
I felt him grab my hair, lifting me up. He threw me down on the bed and tried to unbutton my pants. I kicked and screamed for him to stop. He grabbed me by my throat and squeezed until I started gasping for air. I stopped struggling. I wanted him to think I was giving in. He lessened his grip on my neck and started unbuttoning my shirt. I let him while I calculated my next move. He kissed my neck and I felt squeamish. I saw my phone on the floor by the closet. When he lifted me up to take my shirt off, I elbowed him in the nose again and leapt for the phone. I grabbed it, ran in the closet closing the door behind me and tried to dial 911. He tugged at the knob but I was holding it with everything I had in me. He kicked at the door. The phone was dead. I was frantic. That was my last chance. I started screaming. He kicked the door in and grabbed me by my throat to stop me in my tracks. He picked me up with one move and threw me on the bed. My head hit the headboard. I winced in pain. He quickly got on top of me and pushed my legs opened. He was pulling at my pants but they fit me so snug it was harder than he planned. I tried to kick him again and he fell back taking me with him. I was on top of him now. I tried running again but he was on me like an animal. He kept grabbing at my pants until they gave way. I kept yelling at him to stop. I hit the floor several times hoping someone would hear even though I remember my neighbor downstairs leaving as we were coming in. He worked nights. I was desperate.
I kicked at him again but it only made my situation worse. He had pulled my pants down below my buttocks and was pinning me face down. I couldn’t breathe. He had my face in the carpet. I felt him part my legs with his knees and my skin felt like it was tearing.
”No! Please no!”
I felt a tear at the entrance of my backside. I cried in pain. No one could hear me though. My head was being held down in the carpet. I kept yelling and kicking and I tried to reach back and scratch him. He pinned my arms down and violently entered me. He thrust inside me so hard I moved a few inches over the carpet burning my face and chest. I tried one last time to kick him and then I heard a loud noise. Someone was at the door yelling, “Police! Police!”
He pushed off of me pulling his pants up and grabbing something that was on the floor. He grabbed it so quickly I couldn’t tell what it was until it was at my throat. He had a gun!
The police were at my bedroom door, guns raised and looking at Quentin.
A female officer came in from behind the four male officers and looked at me. I knew she was specifically there for me to help me whenever this nightmare was over. I looked at her pleading to please move so the police could kill this sonofabitch. She must have read my mind because she stepped back. The officer in the back came forward, lowering his gun.
“What is your name,” he asked looking at me.
“Toni. Toni,” I said gasping for air.
He looked at Quentin.
“What is your name he asked him?”
Quentin’s hold got tighter. I felt myself getting faint.
“What do you need to know my name for,” he asked yelling like a madman.
“What is your name,” the officer asked him again even stern.
“My name is Q,” he said pulling us both backwards.
“Quentin, there is nowhere to go. Let her go.”
The Officer stepped towards us.
His arm seemed like it was part of my throat. I could breath. I tried to speak with the energy I had left.
The officer raised his gun. I could tell he was not one to play games with. I hoped I was right. I took my last ditch effort and elbowed him in the gut. I caught him off guard and dropped to the floor. He raised his gun and then I heard a shot fired.
Quentin fell to the floor grabbing his arm, yelling like a bitch!
I kicked him in his face once, twice, three times before the lady officer restrained me. I screamed obscenities at him as she ushered me away. That night my home became a crime scene.
The female officer turned out to be a paramedic. She introduced herself as Sean and started looking me over to see where to start. She started putting my arm in a soft cast when the officers walked rather pushed Quentin into the squad car.
We both stopped and looked at him as he stared at me with eyes that were cold and empty. My instincts had been right about him. Only if I would have let his ass walk by my car but I knew that I wasn’t thinking clearly. He had been watching me, stalking me, waiting to pounce. It might not have been planned for tonight. But he had been determined. I looked away from him and starting crying. I couldn’t help it. I started crying uncontrollably and Sean stopped touching me for a moment to see if I would calm. I didn’t. I felt my body get weaker, giving up. When I opened my eyes I was on my ride to the ER.